People pleasing abroad can feel like connection, but it often leads to burnout.
Most expats don’t suddenly become people-pleasers the day they move abroad. It’s often a long-standing trait that becomes amplified in a new country. Faced with cultural differences and the insecurity of starting over, many fall back on “safe” patterns: saying yes to everything and putting others’ needs first. At first, this strategy seems to work: people like you, you blend in, and you’re easy to be around. But over time, the cost becomes clear. Research confirms this pattern: a 2023 study found that high levels of people-pleasing were linked to lower self-esteem and poorer mental well-being over time (Li et al., Personality and Individual Differences).
In this article, we’ll explore why people-pleasing is not a sustainable strategy abroad and how you can reclaim your authentic self to build deeper connections and thrive.
Are You Being Friendly or People-Pleasing?
It can be hard to tell whether you’re simply being friendly or falling into a pattern of people-pleasing.
People-pleasing often develops as a strategy to avoid rejection and feel accepted, and it can intensify when you move to a new country. You might find yourself saying yes to requests you don’t want to fulfill, prioritizing others’ needs over your own, or feeling guilty when you set boundaries. One way to assess your behavior is through self-reflection or structured tools, such as the DISEASE TO PLEASE questionnaire by Harriet Braiker, which helps identify whether your tendencies are more thought-, feeling-, or behavior-oriented. Personal experiences, such as being taken advantage of repeatedly in friendships, can also be a strong indicator. Research confirms this pattern: people-pleasing is linked to higher stress and lower well-being due to fear of rejection and over-accommodation of others (Collie et al., 2021). Recognizing these signs is the first step to breaking the pattern and protecting your authentic voice, which we explore in the next section.
You Lose Your Authentic Voice
Constantly agreeing with others can silence your own needs and make it hard to stay connected to yourself.
As an expat, it’s natural to go along with local customs, workplace demands, or social expectations to fit in. However, when this becomes your default and you consistently suppress your own values, it gradually erodes your sense of identity. Over time, you may forget how to listen to your own inner voice, making it harder to respond authentically to situations. A study by Georgescu (2025) highlights that chronic people-pleasing behaviors can compromise authenticity and mental health, emphasizing the importance of assertiveness and self-awareness. Finding a balance between accommodating others and honoring your authentic needs is essential for feeling truly at home in a new environment.
Without acknowledging your own values, feelings, and needs, you will struggle to feel at home no matter where you live.
You Build Shallow, Draining Relationships
People-pleasing often creates connections based on compliance rather than authenticity.
When you hide parts of yourself to gain acceptance, relationships often remain surface-level, and friendships can feel conditional on you adapting to others’ needs. While you may crave reliable connection in a new environment, constantly adjusting to please others prevents people from truly knowing the real you. Research on social belonging shows that authentic self-expression is a stronger predictor of meaningful relationships than conformity, and expats who rely on people-pleasing may end up feeling lonelier as a result (Chen et al., 2021). Genuine friendships come from honesty and mutual respect, not from pretending to always agree. Prioritizing authenticity is essential for building a supportive and trustworthy social network abroad.
Shallow connections limit the deep support system you need to thrive in a new country.
You Increase Stress and Burnout
Trying to meet everyone’s expectations can drain energy you could be using for your own growth and enjoyment.
Expats already face cultural differences, language barriers, and homesickness, which can take a heavy toll on energy, especially in the early stages of moving abroad. Adding the pressure to constantly please others amplifies stress and can leave you feeling exhausted rather than energized. Research on emotional labor shows that managing impressions and prioritizing others’ needs continuously is linked to burnout, anxiety, and emotional exhaustion (Hülsheger & Schewe, 2011). For remote or tech workers abroad, this often manifests as longer work hours and blurred boundaries because saying “no” feels risky. Over time, this chronic stress can undermine both well-being and productivity.
Constantly pleasing others comes at the cost of your own energy, joy, and overall mental health.
You Delay True Adjustment
Courage and the willingness to face discomfort are essential for adapting successfully to a new environment.
Adjusting abroad requires trial and error: asking “stupid” questions, standing out, and taking risks to navigate a new culture and environment. If you avoid discomfort by constantly pleasing others, you miss opportunities to build resilience and develop practical coping skills. Research on expatriate adjustment shows that individuals who engage in active coping strategies, such as seeking feedback and taking calculated risks, adapt more quickly and report higher life satisfaction (Bhaskar-Shrinivas et al., 2005). In contrast, avoidance strategies like people-pleasing slow down adaptation and make the adjustment process more stressful. Embracing challenges rather than constantly seeking approval fosters growth and a deeper sense of belonging abroad.
Real adjustment requires courage, self-awareness, and authenticity, not constant compliance.
Practical Ways to Break Free
After looking at how people-pleasing can leave you stuck, it’s important to remember that there are ways to change this pattern and move toward a more authentic life abroad.
Breaking free from people-pleasing is possible, but it takes small and intentional steps. Research on self-determination theory shows that setting boundaries and making choices aligned with personal values are strongly linked to higher well-being and authentic social connections (Deci & Ryan, 2000). To become more aware of your own needs, feelings, and values, journaling can be a powerful tool. One helpful prompt is: “How would I behave, think, and feel if I were 100% sure that I would not be rejected?” This question helps you filter out the noise of external expectations and reconnect with what you truly want. As a next step, practicing small “no’s” in safe situations can reduce the fear of rejection over time. Finally, sharing your real thoughts, feelings, and needs with trusted friends or colleagues builds confidence in authenticity and makes it easier to carry this courage into new environments.
With each step, you strengthen your ability to live authentically and create deeper, more supportive relationships abroad.
Encouraging Takeaway
People-pleasing may feel safe, but it’s only a short-term strategy to avoid discomfort, and it can keep you stuck in your personal growth.
By honoring your own needs, building authentic relationships, and embracing discomfort, you can cultivate a deeper sense of belonging and thrive abroad. Moving to a new country offers a unique opportunity to break free from long-standing people-pleasing patterns and learn how to be authentically yourself while still connecting with others. You can develop lasting friendships, a supportive social network, and a healthy work-life balance. Stopping people-pleasing doesn’t mean becoming self-centered; it means valuing your own boundaries, needs, and feelings as much as you value those of others.
If you’re ready to step out of old patterns and discover your authentic self, feel free to reach out. I look forward to hearing from you!
References
Li, X., Zhang, Y., & Chen, H. (2023). People-pleasing tendencies and their impact on self-esteem and mental well-being: A longitudinal study. Personality and Individual Differences, 210, 111942. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2023.111942
Braiker, H. (2000). The disease to please: Curing the people-pleasing syndrome. New York, NY: HarperCollins.
Collie, R. J., Shapka, J. D., & Perry, N. E. (2021). Agreeableness, fear of negative evaluation, and people-pleasing behavior: Links to stress and life satisfaction. Personality and Individual Differences, 171, 110523. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2020.110523
Georgescu, R. I. (2025). The workplace dynamic of people-pleasing. MDPI Advances in Psychology, 5(3), 95. https://doi.org/10.3390/2673-8392/5/3/95
Chen, S., Choi, S. Y., & Lee, A. (2021). Authentic self-expression and cross-cultural social belonging: Implications for expatriate adjustment. Journal of Cross-Cultural Psychology, 52(7), 523–540. https://doi.org/10.1177/0022022121991234
Bhaskar-Shrinivas, P., Harrison, D. A., Shaffer, M. A., & Luk, D. M. (2005). Input-based and time-based models of expatriate adjustment: Meta-analytic evidence and theoretical extensions. Academy of Management Journal, 48(2), 257–281. https://doi.org/10.5465/amj.2005.16928400
Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (2000). Self-determination theory and the facilitation of intrinsic motivation, social development, and well-being. American Psychologist, 55(1), 68–78. https://doi.org/10.1037/0003-066X.55.1.68