Photo by Lisa Fotios / Pexels
In my job as an online counselor, a psychologist, and a leading psychotherapist in a mental health hospital, I encounter all sorts of people every day, and a common sight is them staring at me like I’m a three-headed, one-eyed alien.
Why? Well, it usually happens when I bluntly ask why they are feeling angry, sad, or anxious in a particular situation. Take, for instance, a client who hops online, fuming about their horrendous day at work. They rant about every little thing that went wrong and how everyone else is a complete idiot.
Now, I’m all ears, letting them vent their frustrations. But then comes the moment of truth: I ask why they’re so mad. And bam! That’s when they gave me the “Are you serious?” look. They wonder if I’ve even been listening.
But hey, that’s not the point. I’m not questioning their rant; I am asking why they are feeling what they are feeling in that moment. It’s about diving deep into the why behind their emotions.
And you know what? Many people overlook this. But once we start digging into why they feel certain things in certain situations, they start to understand themselves better. And when you are aware of yourself, you can change and manage your emotions much more effectively.
So, let’s unpack this, shall we?
What are emotions?
Wikipedia defines emotions as a mix of physical and mental states triggered by changes in our bodies and brains. It’s a mouthful, right? Let’s break it down. Emotions are how we react to things happening inside or outside us. We think about what’s going on and then act in response.
Here’s a real-life example: Picture yourself strolling down the street when suddenly, you hear a weird noise. Your body instantly kicks into gear: your heart races, your breath quickens, and you’re on high alert. You scan your surroundings, trying to figure out what’s up. Then, you spot it: just a trash can lid clanging shut. Phew! Your body relaxes, and you breathe a sigh of relief. All this happens in a flash, without you even thinking about it.
Looking back, you realize you were scared, and your body’s reaction was a fear response. See, emotions like fear serve a purpose: they are there to keep you safe, even if they are at least in that case of fear, not exactly fun to feel.
When we experience emotions like grief, joy, disgust, or anger, the same basic process kicks in. These are what psychologist Ekman calls universal emotions: they are the same for everyone, no matter where you are from or how you live.
Now, why does this matter in my sessions, you might wonder? Well, understanding what sets off your emotions and why they exist in the first place helps you get to know yourself better. Once you grasp that, you can tweak your life to fit what you need.
Emotions are like traffic signs
Your emotions act like built-in navigation systems, guiding you towards what you enjoy or desire, and away from what you dislike or don’t want. They communicate through immediate physical signals, like a racing heart, clammy palms, or butterflies in your stomach.
Each emotion comes with its own set of physical cues, and it’s up to you to interpret them. Once you understand what each of your emotions signifies, you can take it a step further and pinpoint which needs aren’t being met.
Let’s revisit our earlier scenario: a client taken aback by my question about what makes them angry. We’ve already pinpointed the emotion: anger. Check. Now, it’s time to uncover what this emotion is trying to communicate to my client. The most crucial question here is: “What need isn’t being met?”
After a bit of probing, we discovered that my client went into the meeting with the clear intention of impressing their boss with something impressive. But their expectations were dashed, leading to feelings of anger and frustration. Ultimately, what was missing was their basic psychological need for recognition and validation.
Now that this need is identified, my client can take steps to fulfill it elsewhere. For instance, they might choose to do something they’re good at to compensate for the disappointment and lack of acknowledgment.
Alternatively, armed with this newfound self-awareness, they could adjust their approach with their team members to achieve better outcomes next time.
The Finish Line of Authenticity and Growth
The better you grasp your emotions, the more self-aware you become. This heightened self-awareness empowers you to make life choices that align with your needs, resulting in a more authentic and fulfilling life.
Take away
So, here’s the key lesson: Pay attention to your emotions because they are a trustworthy guide, revealing what you want and need in various situations throughout your daily life. Think of them as your built-in compass: you just need to learn how to read them to navigate more effectively.
If you find yourself facing similar challenges every day, it might be helpful to ask yourself why you’re feeling a certain way. Dive deep into your emotional system and your needs, and take responsibility for meeting your own psychological needs as best as you can.
If you’re looking for someone to bounce ideas off of and don’t mind the occasional uncomfortable or unconventional question, don’t hesitate to reach out!